Roadmap from not Loving Yourself to Loving Yourself
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25 January 2019 

Roadmap from not Loving Yourself to Loving Yourself

Do you love yourself in all areas of your life?
Do you love yourself in the areas of family, friends, relationships, money, work, health and life purpose? If you would give yourself a number for each area, what number would give yourself on a scale of 1-10?

Feel how you have to rate yourself in all these areas and please be totally honest with yourself.
That in itself is already an act of Self-Love. It’s not a matter of right or wrong.

You feel what you feel.
It is what it is.

Be honest in the Here & Now

As an example, in the area of relationships, at this moment you feel that you are blaming yourself for a failed relationship and you don’t feel save to start a new one. You would probably score your relationship a 3 or 4.

If you are happy in your relationship on the other hand, you both just decided to live together and start a whole new life together, you probably score your relationship a 8, 9 or even a 10.

The moment you score yourself you will meet your feelings in the Here & Now. And if you score yourself low this is where increasing your Self-Love begins.

Let’s see what the roadmap is from not loving yourself to loving yourself now that you scored yourself. But let’s first start with our definition of Self-Love.

What is Self-Love?
To accept and to forgive myself and to love who I am, the way I am, under all circumstances.

1. Not Loving Myself

Let’s start with not loving yourself or not loving yourself enough. What is happening in this stage of the road to loving yourself.

  • Why do you not love yourself in a particular area?
  • What do you believe about yourself in this area?
  • What sentences do you hear from your parents, your teachers, your friends, etc?
  • Do you think your parents, teachers, friends, etc. love themselves in this area?
  • What do you feel when you admit to yourself that you don’t love yourself in this area?
  • What do you say to yourself when you don’t love yourself?

The moment you explore this you will find old stuff from your childhood. And you will see how many believes you adopted from your parents, teachers, friends, etc. At that time you thought all those believes were true and that’s why you adopted them as your truth.

But are they true Here & Now?
Or is it just a memory?
Is it just a charged emotion from your past?


  • Write down in your journal whatever comes up. Every sentence, every belief, every moment in a specific area you remember when others told you how to feel, how to act, how to behave. And write down how all that affects your life now.
  • Write in flow and don’t judge your writing. Be totally honest with yourself and honour this exercise as a first act of Self-Love

2. Start to Love Myself

Now you know what your old story is about Self-Love in a specific area. You know now what you adopted from your environment and you know that this isn’t yours.

It’s important in this stage of starting to love yourself that you see and admit, without judgement, what your old story is and how it effects your life in the Here & Now. From here on you can transform your life from not loving yourself to loving yourself. How to do this?


  1. Start to read again what you wrote down in step 1 ‘Not loving yourself’. This old story is the starting point of your inner journey towards Self-Love. Feel the impact this old story has on your daily life.

  2. Write down how your life will be the moment you love yourself in this area. Make it as visible, audible and touchable as possible and write it in the Here & Now, as if it is already happening.

    • What do you do?
    • What do you say?
    • Who are you with?
    • Where are you?
    • What do others say to you?
    • How do others look at you?
    • What do you do together?
    • What do you do alone?
    • How do you feel?
    • What do you say to others about yourself?
  3. What is the gap if you compare your writing from step 1 and step 2? What do you need to do to reach the goal you described in this exercise? What do you need to heal? What do you need to learn?

    • Do you need to accept your current state of being instead of judging it all the time?
    • Do you need to heal your Inner Child?
    • Do you need to do EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) on a daily basis?
    • Do you need to learn how to communicate effectively?
  4. Choose what you need to do first and choose what self-healing modality you prefer?

  5. Choose your favourite self-healing modality and choose how often you want to work with it.

    • To gain (more) Self-Love is a daily process. This is why we recommend doing it daily for at least 30 minutes.
    • We also recommend to tap every day on the Self-Love DNA (5 minutes)
  6. Finish your day with gratitude. Be grateful for at least 3 things at the end of the day. Write this down or say this out loud to your partner.

  7. If you do step 4-6 every day for 1 year in each area of your life, you will have a tremendous increase of Self-Love, Self-Worth, Inner Peace and Inner Freedom.

3. Loving Myself

The moment you love yourself in a particular area you feel lucky and you feel blessed that things are going your way. You feel inner peace, inner safety and inner freedom the moment you feel love for yourself.

LOVEA lot of people had to work hard to feel this inner peace, inner safety and inner freedom. They know that this doesn’t come as an overnight success. Because they now have the experience in this area, they went from not loving themself to loving themself.

To know and to experience that you have to conquer your Self-Love upon yourself you will also experience that this is a living thing. Even if you score yourself high in an area now you know that another day you will score yourself low because things are not always going well. Things are not always going how you want them to go. That is normal.

In every area there are moments that life sucks. That you feel your life is falling apart.

These are the moments you need to help yourself with increasing your Self-Love. Because if you feel that your life is falling apart you are triggered by an old memory, an old charged emotions. How to help yourself with increasing your Self-Love?


  1. Start to be totally honest with yourself about any old triggered emotion
  2. Acknowledge whatever comes up, don’t push it away
  3. Commit yourself to heal yourself in THIS moment
  4. Start to do the writing exercise of step 1 ‘Not loving yourself’.
  5. Process the clarity it will bring about your old believes and feelings
  6. Choose a healing modality from step 2 ’Start to love myself’
  7. Work with the healing modality till your memory, your feeling is discharged
  8. Write in your journal what your new believes, new sentences, new feelings are
  9. Be grateful for the triggered moment because it taught you a big lesson
  10. If you want to you can share your process with somebody you trust
  11. Or if you need to complete something with somebody, this is the moment


Do you want personal guidance?

Did you like these steps and do you want to have more personal guidance in this route from not loving yourself to loving yourself?

Become a member of our FREE COMMUNITY ’Self-Love Lab’ and watch

We do a LIVE Masterclass in the community every week about a topic in the realm of Self-Love.
You are welcome to join!


About the author
We are Briant [1958] & Jaldhara [1960] both Dutch. We learned that, the quickest way to Accelerate your Self-Love is to make the transition from Inner Unsafety to Inner Safety. We help you to make this transition. We are the authors of the e-book ‘How to Live The Life You Love’ and we are the creators of the 'Self-Love DNA' and 'Accelerate your Self-Love', the groundbreaking program that will deeply and permanently transform your level of inner safety and Self-Love.
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